Hanging On

It's been nearly six months since my grandpa went home to Jesus and just over three months since my cat Kyah joined him. Most days are better than others but every now and then the realization of their deaths hits me out of nowhere. Other than my dog Maggie (who was really my mom's), I had never had to deal with death. I never knew what to say to friends when they lost grandparents or pets, but could only offer my comfort and support. Even now I have no idea what to say or do to make others feel better. I think that's because there was nothing anyone could do for me.
Grief is kind of a cruel thing. It comes and goes as it pleases and there is no cure for it. Today has been a hard day. I keep replaying the night my grandpa died, how I wish I had been the one he woke up for. I keep thinking about the moment I saw Kyah when I got home after my mom called me with the news. Most of all, I keep thinking about saying goodbye. The night/morning my grandpa died, I was in some sort of daydream. I knew it was coming, he had been sick for a while, but it still hurt. I did good over the next couple of days until the visitation day. It was an open casket. I don't know what I was expecting, but as soon as I saw him I broke down. Later, when I would see my cousin or my mom or aunt holding his hand and kissing him, I kept thinking to myself, ''that isn't him! He isn't here anymore!'' I was so angry at them and I still don't know why...
I find myself missing him at weird times. Memories will creep up on me, like when we went to the zoo, walking beside him at church, watching t.v. with him. The craziest thing I miss about him is this thing he used to do to my wrist: he'd ring it with both his hands and make this noise with his mouth. It only hurt a little but I loved it. He hadn't done it since I was little and I have tried multiple times over the years to replicate it, but have failed everytime. Today I realized I would never experience that again.

Everyday is a struggle. Sometimes I can't even get out of bed. I try to praise God through all of this but....it's hard. At times I wish we didn't have emotions like grief and sadness, but I figure God gave them to us for a reason. I feel guilty sometimes for missing Kyah and my grandpa, but then I remember how Jesus reacted to his friend Lazarus' death: He wept. Jesus was God. And he was upset. That verse blows my mind everytime I read, hear, or say it. It also lets me know that it's ok to grieve. That it's good to grieve. As much as it hurts, it actually hurts more to keep it in. Something I often forget. ''I'm running to your arms. I'm running to your arms. The riches of your love will always be enough. Nothing compares to your embrace. Light of the world forever reign.''